Unpacking traditional gender roles as working parents

When my kid is sick at school, the office always calls me even though my husband is listed as the stay-at-home parent.

When a couple introduces themselves to us at the park, they often start by asking my husband, “What do you do for work?”

When I interview for new jobs, I make a point of sharing that I am the sole breadwinner for my family so that companies don’t assume my pay is “ancillary.”

Unconscious biases like these are common in patriarchal societies and play on traditional gender roles. While we have made progress, we’re still more likely to assume a doctor is male and a nurse is female; the U.S. is yet to see a woman president; and CEOs were more likely to be named John than to be female until 2023.

You can’t undo centuries of inequity overnight.

However, as we strive to be better allies at work, we can notice and name the water we’re swimming in.

I once heard the patriarchy compared to a lazy river. For men and women who conform to traditional gender roles, the current gently pulls you along—you hardly notice that you’re moving. But when you try to break out of tradition and swim against the current, suddenly you realize how much force is pushing against you.

Meet Marly Davis and Matthew Lindow

In today’s episode of “Allies at Work,” you’ll hear from Marly Davis and Matthew Lindow.

Both Marly and Matthew grew up in cultures with traditional family values. As they’ve learned to be better allies at work, they’ve had to unpack their biases and get curious about the waters of patriarchy.

Matthew Lindow, software engineer and ally-in-training, shares his personal journey into allyship and the power of doing the little things.

Marly Davis, director of operations and my sister, talks about how important it is to hear diverse voices when making business decisions, and how all parents can better honor their work-life integration.

A few favorite moments

“Society will condemn the struggling mother and praise the striving father.”
Matthew Lindow

“We are working moms, so that’s the perspective that I can offer that maybe other people in my office don’t have—and that doesn’t make me more qualified. It doesn’t make me more intelligent. It just means that I can offer a different perspective.”
Marly Davis

“It’s really never been easier to educate ourselves. Start small. Start with your friends, your roommates, your kids, your, your partners. And know that change is small, one percent at a time.”
Matthew Lindow

To hear two working parents share their journeys of unpacking traditional gender roles, listen to the full episode below.

Allyship action: Ask a woman for her story

At the end of each episode, I share an allyship microaction—something you can start doing right away. Today’s allyship action is: Ask a woman for her story.

Next time you’re sitting at lunch or in a one-on-one meeting with a female colleague, ask how being a woman has impacted her career. When she shares her story with you, don’t justify or superimpose your own beliefs on what she shares.

Listen and believe her.

Ask your mom, your wife, your daughter, your grandma, your neighbor, your pastor, your politician. Even if the woman is retired or a stay-at-home parent, the question still applies. How has being a woman impacted your career choices?

Get curious about what she shares with you and how your own opinions on gender have formed. How has your life been impacted by gender? Even in ways you might not have realized?

You can also hear women’s stories by reading new books, watching documentaries, or following gender influencers like Matthew did.

If you’re a bookworm like me, check out three of my favorite reads on male allyship:

We should all be feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Good Guys: How men can be better allies for women in the workplace by David G Smith and W Brad Johnson
The Authority Gap by Mary Ann Sieghart

Unpack gender roles and protect women

And of course, you can also hear women’s stories by tuning in next time. Next episode, we’ll get into the challenging yet critical topic of Gender Based Violence. Our guests are experts and academics who will leave you feeling hopeful about the progress to come.