How to be a better ally in marriage and relationships

When my kids wake up at night, they call for “Dad Dad”. My husband helps our three littles keep their teeth brushed and he’s gotten really good at Saturday French Toast.

When my kids have a doctor’s appointment, they want me. I help them clean and organize their rooms and I’m trying to get better at veggies with every meal.

My husband and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we are committed to partnership.

And that’s what allyship is about.

Oftentimes, the gender balance in our homes is reflected in our biases towards women at work.

In today’s episode of Allies at Work, you’ll hear from Nate Bagley and Danica Holdaway about creating balance in parenting responsibilities and partnerships.

Meet Nate Bagley and Danica Holdaway

Nate Bagley is the Founder of Growth Marriage and Director of Marketing at COREnology. He’s also a working parent. Danica Holdaway is a self-identified “content swiss army knife” with experience at several early-stage tech startups. She’s also a working parent.

You’ll hear Nate explain how equitable partnerships are based on seeing each other fully and accepting others’ pain—is the application to workplace allyship already obvious to you? To be better gender allies at work, we have to listen to women’s struggles and believe them—even when it means sitting with discomfort—which Nate will model for us beautifully.

You’ll also hear Danica reflect on how her husband was one of her greatest allies when she transitioned into a full-time tech career. He not only helped her develop stronger ambition and negotiation skills, but he also stepped it up at home.

A few favorite moments

“I don’t think that equity is a destination. I think it’s a mindset where you’re just constantly trying to stay curious and navigate any conflicts that arise with empathy.”
Nate Bagley

“Regardless of your pain and what causes it, if you’re in an equitable relationship, that pain matters.”
Nate Bagley

“Work isn’t one thing that exists in a vacuum. I think that can be a luxury for a lot of men, but most women would agree that’s not the reality. Your work does not exist separate from your life so a good ally should also be willing to acknowledge where work is gonna take from life.”
Danica Holdaway

To hear from folks who are doing their best to be good partners and better allies, listen to the full episode below.

Allyship action: Parent out loud

At the end of each episode, I share an allyship microaction that you can start using right away. Today’s allyship action: Parent out loud.

Nate shares examples of this tactic throughout the episode, but let me define it for you. To parent out loud, you must literally speak out loud about your parenting responsibilities in the workplace. This gives permission to mothers to do the same without fear of being penalized.

Leaving early for parent-teacher conference? Say it out loud.
Have a sick kid next to you during a zoom call? Say it out loud.
Using your lunch break to take your daughter to the dentist? Say it out loud
Skipping a networking event because it overlaps with family dinner? Say it out loud.

The sentiment carries over into how you use your calendar or slack statuses too. Don’t hide your life or make up ambiguous “busy meetings.” When you are transparent about your parenting responsibilities, this can make such a big difference—especially when coming from male allies—to help mothers feel supported and all team members feel seen.

We’re human beings, not employees.

Parenting out loud helps everyone remember that.

If you don’t have kids, you can still be an ally by living out loud. No, that’s not some hokey YOLO mantra. I mean that you should literally speak out loud about your life outside of work—whether you’re hosting an art show, attending your niece’s dance recital, or even just taking your dog for a walk.

You’re already doing these things. Just talk about it.

Learn and use the language of allyship

A big part of allyship is learning to use the right language. When you understand and get curious about terms like “fragility” and “leaning in,” you’re better able to put allyship into action. Next time, I chat with two DEI experts who will define the vocabulary of allies at work.